The Hellraiser Project: Hellraiser VIII: Hellworld

It's over! Oh, dear sweet Jesus, it's finally over! And not surprisingly, it's a clean sweep. I'd feel better about there not being another Hellraiser movie to watch, if I didn't have to watch Hellraiser: Hellworld to be able to say that. This is the worst of the lot. I know I say that with all of them, but that's only because they each have gotten progressively worse since the fifth one. This just goes to show that when you're in prison, the burly inmates fuck you the hardest the night before you're paroled...continue reading this review at Geeks of Doom!

The Hellraiser Project: Hellraiser VI: Hellseeker

Hellraiser VI: Hellseeker

I've heard from people that have had appendicitis, that when you press down on your stomach, it relieves the pain a little bit, but when you take your hand away, it hurts even worse. Like the inflamed organ is making up for lost time.

So it should have come as no surprise that after taking some time off for Thanksgiving and some other family related stuff, I come back to The Hellraiser Project just in time for Hellraiser: Hellseeker, which is the worst of the franchise. It's a jumble of flashbacks, dream sequences, and hallucinations with a "surprise ending" as the cherry on top. It's like Donnie Darko, except Patchouli-smelling theatre chicks won't sleep with you if you say you liked it...continue reading this review at Geeks of Doom!

The Hellraiser Project: Hellraiser IV: Bloodline

It is an article of resentment of my name becoming synonymous with a certain pin-headed sadomasochist from the far reaches of hell, that when good ol’ Pinhead showed up on this last week’s episode of South Park getting beheaded in Imaginationland by Jesus Christ, every atheistic impulse in my body fell by the wayside as I screamed “GET HIS ASS! FUCK ‘IM UP, LORD!”

This could be the first signs of stir craziness at this assignment, or that I have seen the first truly awful Hellraiser movie, Hellraiser: Bloodline. This movie blows not only goats, but everything in the barnyard and THEN rims the farmer. Those of you thinking I was being too good-natured about an undertaking such as this and WISHING for my old motherfucker self to pop up need wait no longer. I barely even made it through the opening credits alive, once I saw that this little flicker-show is directed by one Alan Smithee.

For those of you not in the know, here is the story of Alan Smithee: He doesn’t actually exist, but rather he is the pseudonym that the Director’s Guild of America places on movies that had creative control wrested from their directors by the studios and executives. The name has covered the work of people like Don Siegel (Dirty Harry) and Academy Award nominee Arthur Hiller (Love Story) for Death of a Gunfighter and Burn Hollywood, respectively. So if ever you see the name Alan Smithee on a movie, know that this movie was not made by a director who knows about film, but by a suit who knows only demographics...continue reading this review at Geeks of Doom!

The Hellraiser Project: Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth

There is a list I keep in my mind of the things I really wish I could have gone my whole life not seeing. If I had not seen a couple of these things, I might be a little more well-adjusted and less mean as catshit. They’re not all gruesome, mind you, but if there’s a God, he’d have called foul by now, a yellow flag, SOMETHING! Things like…

-That damned “Mission Accomplished” banner.

-The details of Bill O’Reilly’s phone sex conversations.

-Any episode of Saturday Night Live past the ’01 season.

-Four words and a hyphenate: “Aaron Boone walk-off home run.”

With all the depravity, deceit, and just plain ooginess on display in those four examples, a disembodied cervix that has hydraulic equipment embedded in it is the chumpiest of chump change, which is what’s on display in this week’s installment. I don’t know how it’s gonna pan out in quality, but in terms of grisly imagery at least, I have a feeling that The Hellraiser Experiment might just be more easier than I thought...continue reading this review at Geeks of Doom!